Can I just say that I LOVE people watching? It's great to see the ridiculous crap people do when they think no one's looking. I get a kick out of that lady in the grocery store who looks around neurotically before eating a grape from the produce section. She always has that panicked look on her face like if someone sees her she's gonna get thrown to the ground and tazed. It's a grape, lady..chill, I'm pretty sure you're not going to get arrested. Then there's the chick who you see wiggling around lifting one leg up awkwardly, you know that bitch has a wedgie. Hunny, just pick it and move on, you're not fooling anybody. We know what you're up to. One of my favorites though is the girl who gets dressed in her car. You ever seen this? I don't fully understand it, mostly because it usually happens in store parking lots. Do they not realize stores have bathrooms? Not only does changing in a bathroom reduce the risk of folks seeing your pale ass, but it's just easier. Have you ever tried to change your clothes in a car? Well, I have in a pinch and I gotta say, putting pants on while sitting in a confined space is tricky shit. If there's a bathroom within walking distance, I really recommend using it. I must say though, I have a hard time not messing with the chicks I see doing this. I mean, they always look around to make sure no one is walking by but they seem to forget to check if anyone is in the car parked next to them. One of these days I'm gonna cave in, roll my window and yell "Hey you, nice rack!" just to see how she reacts. I bet you $10 she never changes in her car again. I do prefer to watch women over men though, and no I don't have a thing for chicks. I've just come to realize watching guys can totally creep you out. We all know men are perverted but that's from seeing the shit they do when they know we're watching. They do much worse things when they think no one's paying attention. Like the guy who's practically running into walls because he's too busy looking at a girls ass to watch where he's going. Or worse, the creepy bastard who carefully slides his iPhone between the legs of girls wearing skirts and snaps pics of their cookies. I mean really dude? Stop being a sexual predator and go download some porn like everyone else. But, I guess the moral of this story is: Be careful what you do in public, because there's always some bored and easily amused person such as myself noticing the crap going on around them.
I swear I can't watch TV for more than 10 minutes these days without getting annoyed. For instance, why does the volume on commercials always have to be twice as loud as the show itself? As soon as the commercial break starts I have to dive for the remote or risk loosing my hearing. And I'm clumsy as shit, so that dive usually results in an injury of some sort. I guess I could probably deal with it if they were at least relevant but their not, not even close. There's a Sonic commercial on like every 3 minutes, and I don't know about you but I've never even seen a Sonic. I'm starting to think they're just a myth, like unicorns and videos of Dane Cook being funny. If they do exist there sure as hell isn't one nearby, they temp us with their delicious pizza and salad only to find out they're conveniently located just 300 miles away from us. It's just uncool. The worst thing about TV is probably the reality show epidemic though. That crap has gotten way out of hand, you can find a reality show about literally everything these days. People who talk to dogs, ridiculous rich women who drink too much wine, trashy Italians who can be outsmarted by my 3 year old, and my personal favorite, D list celebrities with drug problems. I just don't get it, but kudos to television networks for finding a way to make TV even more mindless. We wouldn't want people to learn anything, if you made 'em too smart they might realize there's better thing to do than sit on their fat asses watching TV.
Soooo I'm not gonna lie, I'm a computer junkie. But hell, it's better than being a regular junkie right? Now, my addiction obviously causes me to see all sorts of things on the internet, and man don't most of those things piss me off. Especially the crap you see on Facebook. For instance if I see one more girl throw up her fingers and make that stupid duck face I'm gonna lose it. If you're one of those girls, please, I beg you to stop it. I mean you're actually kinda pretty but when you make that face you look like you belong in an Aflac commercial. Don't feel bad though girls, men have their own special photo that annoys me as well. The car profile picture. This photo is reserved for that special kind of jackass who knows he's so unappealing that the only way he's gonna interest a girl is to show off his car. When I encounter this guy I only have one thing to say "Whoa dude, I didn't realize you were a Transformer!" That always makes them angry. But, my favorite thing about these guys is that their cars are never actually impressive. It's always an old rusted out Trans Am with a different colored door and an oil leak. There's also that guy who takes it a step further, you know the guy I mean. I'm talking about the guy who takes his picture with his car, he's always sitting on the hood with his arms crossed and that 'damn I'm cool' look on his face. Let me just tell you now buddy, that pose wasn't cool 10 years ago when you did for your senior picture and it's not cool now so please just stand there and smile for your picture like everyone else. Now what...Reposters, I can't believe I almost forgot about reposters they're quite possibly the worst. "If you're against cancer and have lost someone you love then please put this on your status for 1 hour." Really? Are there actually people out there who are FOR cancer? I kinda figured my dislike for cancer was implied based on the fact I'm not Satan. We also have those people who are convinced that Facebook is going to start charging us, "Go to account settings, and click blah, blah, blah until Mark Zuckerberg pops up on your screen and agrees not to financially rape you." I'm sorry but have you people never read your login screen? Facebook's whole motto is 'free and always will be,' aside from that, you don't find it strange that every 6 months or so "Facebook is going to start charging us" yet it never happens. No of course you didn't, you're so freaked out you might have to pay that you don't even stop to think for a second. Lastly, I dislike over-sharers, we all know these people, some of you are these people. I know Facebook is all about sharing things with the folks in your life, however that doesn't mean you're obligated to share everything. We don't need to know that the burrito you had for lunch went right through you, or that your ex gave you herpes. Sometime less is in fact more. So please everyone, think before you post. ...Oh, and one more thing, stop posting stuff about your cat. No one cares about your cat. Hell, I don't even care about my cat, why would I care about yours?
Ok, so don't get me wrong I love a good scary movie as much the next guy. However, I don't understand them sometimes. It seems like when given two options the chicks in scary movies will always make the poor one. Like when they're running away from the killer and the door won't open so they run upstairs. Now, I'm no genius but what the hell are you going to do upstairs? I'm pretty sure there was a perfectly good window you coulda jumped through, but now your stupid ass is upstairs. What ya gonna do now? Hide under the bed? We all know how that one ends. You could always jump out the window (I bet you wish you'd done that from the first floor now.) Too late now, at this point you'll have to resort to sexual favors to stay alive, have fun with that. My personal favorite though is when the killer is on the loose, the chick is home alone, the lights go out and she hears a loud noise. Bitch is scared, but instead of getting the eff out of the house she makes an amazing decision.. "Hello, is someone there?" Seriously? What did you expect to accomplish with this? Did you think he was just gonna be like "Hey, I'm in the kitchen. Want me to make you a sandwich?" Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't think I'm asking for much with scary movies, I just want them to be a little less predictable. Let the girl who flashes her boobs come out on top for once, she doesn't always have to get stabbed to death. I say we bring back the element of surprise. Change things up a bit, worst that happens is we end up with yet another bad horror movie.
I've always had what I consider to be a high tolerance for classless people, lately though I find myself challenged. Is it just me or are people getting less intelligent? Don't agree?.. go to 'Family Dollar', doesn't matter which one, any of 'em will do. Yeah, I know what you're thinking "oh, those places aren't that bad." You my friend are wrong, when was the last time you really paid attention to the special folk sharing the store with you? $10 says you'll agree with me if you give them a few minutes of attention. Stand in the same spot for 3 minutes just watching, go on, I dare you. If you're actually brave enough to do this you will have noticed the lady in the back aisle smelling the cleaning products, the attentive father letting his son lick the floor next to him, the chick on the phone with her 'home-girl' talking about what an ass Jonny is and how she had to go to the free clinic. Then there's the staff...should we even get into the staff? Of course we should, first of all they're never there. You always have to ring that little bell, until they slump over, rolling their eyes, couldn't you tell they had shit to do? Now, these people never look good, the last guy who waited on me there had half his head shaved, wore more makeup than me, and proceeded to ask if he could borrow my jacket... My purple, suede jacket... They look so bad in fact I'm convinced it's part of their job description, "Are you willing to work weekends? Are you willing to gain 20 pounds and stop showering?" But, I suppose that'
s what I get for shopping at a discount store in the sticks. At the same time though, I'm from this town and have managed to master simple tasks like basic hygiene. Hell, I've even accomplished multiplication and pronouncing words with more than 2 syllables.
So, with that being said Mainers, quit having sex with your relatives. You're making us devolve.
