The Fryeburg Fair, financially raping us since 1851

I remember when I was a kid the fair seemed magical, sadly this isn't the case anymore. I'm not really sure if it really was nicer when I was little or if it was just that whole innocent child thing. My guess is a little of both. Don't get me wrong though, I still love it. I mean, how could you not love the fair? Cheesy games with weird prizes, rides that make you hurl, gambling, people doing stupid shit with big trucks and last, but sure as hell not least, the food. I always get a kick out of fair food, you can find deep fried anything. Place is a fat kid's dream.

I was a little bummed to see that the musics been updated. I wandered past the Thunderbolt and heard bad pop music, even a couple years ago they were still playing Poison... I always kinda thought it was in some secret carny handbook that you had to play 80's hair bands on the rides. It is that same creepy guy running it though. He still has that greasy mullet and those unkempt sideburns that come to a point along his jaw all classy like. I can't help but wonder if the dirty blue jumpsuit he wears is the same one he had when I was a kid. I'm thinkin' it is.

There are a lot of strange little things I don't ever remember seeing before. Like the inspirational notes in the women's bathrooms. Did you guys see these? I walked into the bathroom and noticed little post-it notes everywhere, I didn't bother to read them because frankly, I don't care. Then I went in the stall, this time I had no choice; they taped it to the inside of the door, tricky bastards. It read "When depressed, remember your hopes and dreams and just smile. Have a nice day!" ...Hmmm, now maybe it's just me but that's kind of a weird thing to put in a bathroom. But, it's whatever.

Now, we all know the fair likes to financially rape us, it always as. Ya always pay $5 to play a crappy, rigged game where if you're lucky, you'll win a broken yoyo and I'm ok with that. However, they're starting to cross the line. I actually witnessed a friend pay $3 for a bottle of soda than had already been drank. I mean, really guys? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making a profit but if you're selling previously eaten food then we need to talk. Honestly though, I know by this time next year I'll have forgotten all this crap and be as excited as shit for the fair. But hell, carnivals have always been trashy right? Why change 'em now?

I think I'll take up anorexia.

Can I just say I hate grocery shopping. I would never do it again if I didn't have to. The problems seem to start as soon as you pull into the parking lot. There is never enough parking, but there would be if it weren't for all the jackasses who feel the need to double park. Really dude, you're that concerned about your 92' Intrepid getting scratched that you have to take up 2 parking spaces? I'd planned on being careful with my cart, but now I want to "accidentally" loose control of it and scratch the hell out of your sexy ride.

Then you get inside, it's always cold as shit in there and I despise being cold. The worst is in the summer when I head there from the beach in a wet bathing suit and a sundress. You walk in and it's like instant hypothermia, I just want to climb inside that little warmer and snuggle up with the rotisserie chickens. I have a feeling they would frown upon that though so, I resist.

The other customers are my main issue however, you always get those brilliant people who stop right in front of you to look at stuff with their cart sideways across the aisle. I mean seriously? Not only did you just give me whiplash to avoid hitting you, but you're going to block the entire aisle too? I might be annoyed as hell at this point but I'm still polite because I try to be one of the few decent human beings left on the planet. In my sweetest fake voice I'll say "excuse me, please." I don't know why I bother with this, they always half look over their shoulder at you, roll their eyes and groan. How dare you interrupt them while the read the nutrition facts on their cans of Pringles. I hate to break it to you lady but it doesn't matter which one you pick, they're Pringles, they're all going to give you a fat ass. Just put them in your cart and move along. I got shit to do.

Sadly, once I'm done weaving through the maze of idiots, I still have the check-out to deal with. So many frustrating things can happen at this point, and I've realized I will always pick the wrong register, always. Hey guys, ya know that big signs that says '14 items or less' yeah, that's not a suggestion. One of these days I'm just going to start counting your 22 items aloud and see what happens. You also have those assholes who have to pay for their 22 items in 3 separate ways, "I'd like to put $6 on this card, and I have $12 in cash and I'll make out a check for the rest, if that's OK." Well, it's gonna have to be OK now isn't it, you've given us no choice in the matter. It's alright though, it's my turn in line and it's all over now. No more things to annoy me.

Nope, I was wrong. I still have to get out of this damn store and to my car alive. This is easier said than done... Why in the hell do little old ladies feel the need to stop right at the door to read their receipt? They can't wait until they get outside, or at least get out of the way to do it? Of course not, but once again I bite my tongue. It's not like you can be mean to old ladies, and at least they kinda have an excuse, they're old. Lastly, there's that guy who drives 50mph through the parking lot and almost runs me over, and that never fails. It's amazing that I manage to survive these shopping trips without serious injury or emotional scarring. But it's OK, I'm finally to my car and will be home drowning my frustrations in wine before I know it. I must say though, I think life would be easier if I were anorexic...

Wait, was that English?

Can someone please explain to me what the hell happened to the English language? When did you guys decide it was cool to start using the letter 'z' in place of 's', and why knock letters off the end of words, like saying 'wit' instead of 'with'? I'm pretty sure it's not that hard to put that last letter in there, and leaving it out does nothing but make you sound like a total douche. I get trying to fake that you're smarter than you are, but why in the hell would you go out of your way to sound like a total dumbass? I'm sure a bunch of you are thinking "Oh, people only talk like that in texts because it's quicker." If that were true I probably wouldn't be so peeved right now. Maybe you folks don't realize just how many brilliant people out there actually submit resumes in their ghetto-fabulous language and trust me, they do. The rough part is that you know most of the people doing this do in fact know how to speak and write correctly, they just choose not to.

What's worse to me than the people who just drop letters off words are those special kinds of jackasses who wRitE LiKe tHiS. Why do that? Please, someone explain this to me. It makes no sense, not only does it look completely ridiculous but it must take forever to write like that. You have hit the shift key like every half a second, and I have better shit to do, like complain about you people. The real confusing thing is that a lot of the time these people are the same ones who drop the letters off words. You don't have time to put the 'h' in 'with' but you can take twice as long to type a sentence just to look like a moron? Well, cheers to you people, you've successfully baffled the crap out of me.

You also have those folks who type with 'caps lock' and use a lot of exclamation points. I can't help but imagine these sentenced being screamed, I might be alone in this but capital letters and exclamation points show intensity to me. The problem however, these sentence are never intense. It's always stuff like "I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER!!" That must be one really exciting shower, I'd like to know what's going on in there to require such bold writing style. Who knows, maybe I'm just not cool enough for shit like this. I'd like to think that's not true though. That would make me wrong, and I must say, I'm not a fan of being wrong. With that being said, I'm sticking with the assumption that I'm right and therefore telling all you people to stop it. Stop it now, you are ruining English and hurting my brain.

It's ok, we have a pill for that.

Ok, so don't get me wrong, I'm all for advances in medicine but these days we have a pill for everything imaginable. Depressed? Take this pill. Back hurts? Take this pill. Don't like the color blue? Take this pill, alright I think you get the point. I guess this wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for all the awesome side effects. Prilosec (heartburn medication) for instance, side effects are nausea, gas, bloating, vomiting and heartburn... Wait, heartburn? I swear that's what I was taking this crap for in the first place but now I get to throw up too? Sounds like a deal. Another great one is Advair (asthma medication) which has been linked to asthma related death...kudos to the pharmaceutical company on that one.

I heard about this new drug called Propecia the other day, it's supposed to be an amazing breakthrough in preventing and reversing hair loss. My first thought was "Sweet!", because man, I just don't dig baldies. Then they start going on about on those super fun side effects, one of which is 'gynecomastia'. I didn't know what the hell that was, and since I'm incapable of letting things go, I turned to Google. Boy, wasn't my easily amused mind pleasantly surprised to find it meant growing boobies! I mean, seriously? Boobs? It could be worse though guys; given, you're still not going to get a date but at least you get to see boobs now.

'Alli' totally cracked me up, I'm sure you've seen this drug on TV. It's that weight loss pill that always has fat ladies speed walking in their commercials. Next time you see it, stop looking at the lady pretending to jog and read that fine print on the bottom of the screen. Those side effects are the best. My personal favorite? "May include gas with oily discharge, an increased number of bowel movements, an urgent need to have them, and an inability to control them." So... short version, you shit yourself. Really? I pretty sure I'd rather keep my fat ass. I mean, you think people laugh at you for being a little thick, imagine what will happen when you crap yourself at the grocery store!

Anyone feel like trading acne for broken bones, seeing shit that isn't there, going deaf, the uncontrollable urge to kill yourself and more? Yeah? Then Accutane is just for you!
No one wants acne, but I'd rather have a pizza face for eternity than even one of these side effects. Shit like this is a key sign of how vain people are these days. If you're willing to exchange beauty for your ability to hear then you have even more issues than me! Not to mention folks, I'm pretty sure you're going to have an easier time finding someone who's ok with pimples than someone who's ok with you hallucinating and sobbing irrationally. But shit, that's just my opinion...