Did you trade your brain for peanut M&Ms and a BJ?

    So many of the decisions people make leave me speechless, well actually that's not true. They make me rant uncontrollably but we won't pick at straws. I really don't understand what goes through people's minds most of the time. I'm starting to think the government is putting something in the water to dumb us down, after all, the dumber we are the less likely we are to notice what fuck ups they are. I've just now decided to live under the assumption that this is true, it's easier to accept than the fact the our entire species is evolving into walking, talking douchebags.
    One major annoyance of mine has always been trendy words and the hipster jackasses that use them. These morons have taken it a step further though and started naming their children with trendy, bullshit words. A kid I know knocked up his girlfriend and they recently found out they're having a girl, goodie for them. I asked the normal question of "have you guys picked a name?" I got an amazing answer, Amerida. Amerida? Really? What the fuck does that even mean? To me it sounds like what America would sound like if someone with down syndrome said it. I mean, why not just give her a shitty hair cut and dress her poorly if you want her to come home crying from school?
    Another fantastic decision people make are the things they decide to tattoo on themselves. Don't get me wrong, I love tattoos, even have a few myself. However, you guys really need to put a little more thought into what you're putting on your bodies for eternity. I've found that 1 out of 5 men has their last name tattooed on them. Why is this? Do you often forget your name from too many blows to the head and need this as a reminder or do you just like looking like a tool? I'm gonna go with both. I think tattoos should have meaning, like the tramp stamp, it means 'I'm an easy slut.' therefore it falls into the acceptable tattoo category. What isn't acceptable is the guy I saw at the grocery store with a Bud Light can tattooed on this throat. It took every bit of self control I had to not point and laugh at this guy. I probably wouldn't have resisted but, if he was irrational enough to put a beer can on his throat forever then he probably wouldn't hesitate to beat me to death with the can of spam in his basket and I prefer to live. Even if it means living around mindless schmucks.

Merry F***ing Christmas.

Oh Christmas, where do I start? Through my naive, child eyes this Holiday seemed perfect. Boy, was I wrong. How did a day that's supposed to be about love and family get so completely fucked? 
 
This whole Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays thing really pisses me off. And before you start saying "I know, how dare they tell us we can't say Merry Christmas!" let me tell you, that you're an idiot. Most of you aren't even Christian, why the hell do you care. Even if you are I'm pretty sure people aren't going to forget it's Christmas just 'cause the clerk at Walmart says Happy Holidays. But let's just use it as a reason to get pissed off and call people assholes, after all that's the true spirit of Christmas right? How dare people have their own beliefs! 

The people who ARE religious that freak out about this are my least favorite kind of assholes though. Seriously people? How about you look down at that WWJD bracelet you're wearing and ask yourself if Jesus would be a raving jackass at Christmas. 

We also have those people who do nothing but whine about how commercial Christmas has become. I've never seen any of you doing anything to change this. Are you volunteering at soup kitchens? Making you family do homemade gifts or no gifts at all? No, you're not. You're at the mall spending hundreds of dollars on things your loved ones will never use just like everyone else. But, you continue to bitch and complain because once again that's the true meaning of Christmas. 

With this all being said I'm going to enjoy my holiday season. I'll give my daughter the present she asked Santa for, I'll have food and drinks with the people I love, and I'll toast to all the bitter assholes out there who just don't get it. Merry fucking Christmas folks! 

The Fryeburg Fair, financially raping us since 1851

I remember when I was a kid the fair seemed magical, sadly this isn't the case anymore. I'm not really sure if it really was nicer when I was little or if it was just that whole innocent child thing. My guess is a little of both. Don't get me wrong though, I still love it. I mean, how could you not love the fair? Cheesy games with weird prizes, rides that make you hurl, gambling, people doing stupid shit with big trucks and last, but sure as hell not least, the food. I always get a kick out of fair food, you can find deep fried anything. Place is a fat kid's dream.

I was a little bummed to see that the musics been updated. I wandered past the Thunderbolt and heard bad pop music, even a couple years ago they were still playing Poison... I always kinda thought it was in some secret carny handbook that you had to play 80's hair bands on the rides. It is that same creepy guy running it though. He still has that greasy mullet and those unkempt sideburns that come to a point along his jaw all classy like. I can't help but wonder if the dirty blue jumpsuit he wears is the same one he had when I was a kid. I'm thinkin' it is.

There are a lot of strange little things I don't ever remember seeing before. Like the inspirational notes in the women's bathrooms. Did you guys see these? I walked into the bathroom and noticed little post-it notes everywhere, I didn't bother to read them because frankly, I don't care. Then I went in the stall, this time I had no choice; they taped it to the inside of the door, tricky bastards. It read "When depressed, remember your hopes and dreams and just smile. Have a nice day!" ...Hmmm, now maybe it's just me but that's kind of a weird thing to put in a bathroom. But, it's whatever.

Now, we all know the fair likes to financially rape us, it always as. Ya always pay $5 to play a crappy, rigged game where if you're lucky, you'll win a broken yoyo and I'm ok with that. However, they're starting to cross the line. I actually witnessed a friend pay $3 for a bottle of soda than had already been drank. I mean, really guys? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making a profit but if you're selling previously eaten food then we need to talk. Honestly though, I know by this time next year I'll have forgotten all this crap and be as excited as shit for the fair. But hell, carnivals have always been trashy right? Why change 'em now?

I think I'll take up anorexia.

Can I just say I hate grocery shopping. I would never do it again if I didn't have to. The problems seem to start as soon as you pull into the parking lot. There is never enough parking, but there would be if it weren't for all the jackasses who feel the need to double park. Really dude, you're that concerned about your 92' Intrepid getting scratched that you have to take up 2 parking spaces? I'd planned on being careful with my cart, but now I want to "accidentally" loose control of it and scratch the hell out of your sexy ride.

Then you get inside, it's always cold as shit in there and I despise being cold. The worst is in the summer when I head there from the beach in a wet bathing suit and a sundress. You walk in and it's like instant hypothermia, I just want to climb inside that little warmer and snuggle up with the rotisserie chickens. I have a feeling they would frown upon that though so, I resist.

The other customers are my main issue however, you always get those brilliant people who stop right in front of you to look at stuff with their cart sideways across the aisle. I mean seriously? Not only did you just give me whiplash to avoid hitting you, but you're going to block the entire aisle too? I might be annoyed as hell at this point but I'm still polite because I try to be one of the few decent human beings left on the planet. In my sweetest fake voice I'll say "excuse me, please." I don't know why I bother with this, they always half look over their shoulder at you, roll their eyes and groan. How dare you interrupt them while the read the nutrition facts on their cans of Pringles. I hate to break it to you lady but it doesn't matter which one you pick, they're Pringles, they're all going to give you a fat ass. Just put them in your cart and move along. I got shit to do.

Sadly, once I'm done weaving through the maze of idiots, I still have the check-out to deal with. So many frustrating things can happen at this point, and I've realized I will always pick the wrong register, always. Hey guys, ya know that big signs that says '14 items or less' yeah, that's not a suggestion. One of these days I'm just going to start counting your 22 items aloud and see what happens. You also have those assholes who have to pay for their 22 items in 3 separate ways, "I'd like to put $6 on this card, and I have $12 in cash and I'll make out a check for the rest, if that's OK." Well, it's gonna have to be OK now isn't it, you've given us no choice in the matter. It's alright though, it's my turn in line and it's all over now. No more things to annoy me.

Nope, I was wrong. I still have to get out of this damn store and to my car alive. This is easier said than done... Why in the hell do little old ladies feel the need to stop right at the door to read their receipt? They can't wait until they get outside, or at least get out of the way to do it? Of course not, but once again I bite my tongue. It's not like you can be mean to old ladies, and at least they kinda have an excuse, they're old. Lastly, there's that guy who drives 50mph through the parking lot and almost runs me over, and that never fails. It's amazing that I manage to survive these shopping trips without serious injury or emotional scarring. But it's OK, I'm finally to my car and will be home drowning my frustrations in wine before I know it. I must say though, I think life would be easier if I were anorexic...

Wait, was that English?

Can someone please explain to me what the hell happened to the English language? When did you guys decide it was cool to start using the letter 'z' in place of 's', and why knock letters off the end of words, like saying 'wit' instead of 'with'? I'm pretty sure it's not that hard to put that last letter in there, and leaving it out does nothing but make you sound like a total douche. I get trying to fake that you're smarter than you are, but why in the hell would you go out of your way to sound like a total dumbass? I'm sure a bunch of you are thinking "Oh, people only talk like that in texts because it's quicker." If that were true I probably wouldn't be so peeved right now. Maybe you folks don't realize just how many brilliant people out there actually submit resumes in their ghetto-fabulous language and trust me, they do. The rough part is that you know most of the people doing this do in fact know how to speak and write correctly, they just choose not to.

What's worse to me than the people who just drop letters off words are those special kinds of jackasses who wRitE LiKe tHiS. Why do that? Please, someone explain this to me. It makes no sense, not only does it look completely ridiculous but it must take forever to write like that. You have hit the shift key like every half a second, and I have better shit to do, like complain about you people. The real confusing thing is that a lot of the time these people are the same ones who drop the letters off words. You don't have time to put the 'h' in 'with' but you can take twice as long to type a sentence just to look like a moron? Well, cheers to you people, you've successfully baffled the crap out of me.

You also have those folks who type with 'caps lock' and use a lot of exclamation points. I can't help but imagine these sentenced being screamed, I might be alone in this but capital letters and exclamation points show intensity to me. The problem however, these sentence are never intense. It's always stuff like "I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER!!" That must be one really exciting shower, I'd like to know what's going on in there to require such bold writing style. Who knows, maybe I'm just not cool enough for shit like this. I'd like to think that's not true though. That would make me wrong, and I must say, I'm not a fan of being wrong. With that being said, I'm sticking with the assumption that I'm right and therefore telling all you people to stop it. Stop it now, you are ruining English and hurting my brain.

It's ok, we have a pill for that.

Ok, so don't get me wrong, I'm all for advances in medicine but these days we have a pill for everything imaginable. Depressed? Take this pill. Back hurts? Take this pill. Don't like the color blue? Take this pill, alright I think you get the point. I guess this wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for all the awesome side effects. Prilosec (heartburn medication) for instance, side effects are nausea, gas, bloating, vomiting and heartburn... Wait, heartburn? I swear that's what I was taking this crap for in the first place but now I get to throw up too? Sounds like a deal. Another great one is Advair (asthma medication) which has been linked to asthma related death...kudos to the pharmaceutical company on that one.

I heard about this new drug called Propecia the other day, it's supposed to be an amazing breakthrough in preventing and reversing hair loss. My first thought was "Sweet!", because man, I just don't dig baldies. Then they start going on about on those super fun side effects, one of which is 'gynecomastia'. I didn't know what the hell that was, and since I'm incapable of letting things go, I turned to Google. Boy, wasn't my easily amused mind pleasantly surprised to find it meant growing boobies! I mean, seriously? Boobs? It could be worse though guys; given, you're still not going to get a date but at least you get to see boobs now.

'Alli' totally cracked me up, I'm sure you've seen this drug on TV. It's that weight loss pill that always has fat ladies speed walking in their commercials. Next time you see it, stop looking at the lady pretending to jog and read that fine print on the bottom of the screen. Those side effects are the best. My personal favorite? "May include gas with oily discharge, an increased number of bowel movements, an urgent need to have them, and an inability to control them." So... short version, you shit yourself. Really? I pretty sure I'd rather keep my fat ass. I mean, you think people laugh at you for being a little thick, imagine what will happen when you crap yourself at the grocery store!

Anyone feel like trading acne for broken bones, seeing shit that isn't there, going deaf, the uncontrollable urge to kill yourself and more? Yeah? Then Accutane is just for you!
No one wants acne, but I'd rather have a pizza face for eternity than even one of these side effects. Shit like this is a key sign of how vain people are these days. If you're willing to exchange beauty for your ability to hear then you have even more issues than me! Not to mention folks, I'm pretty sure you're going to have an easier time finding someone who's ok with pimples than someone who's ok with you hallucinating and sobbing irrationally. But shit, that's just my opinion...

Hey you, I saw that.

Can I just say that I LOVE people watching? It's great to see the ridiculous crap people do when they think no one's looking. I get a kick out of that lady in the grocery store who looks around neurotically before eating a grape from the produce section. She always has that panicked look on her face like if someone sees her she's gonna get thrown to the ground and tazed. It's a grape, lady..chill, I'm pretty sure you're not going to get arrested. Then there's the chick who you see wiggling around lifting one leg up awkwardly, you know that bitch has a wedgie. Hunny, just pick it and move on, you're not fooling anybody. We know what you're up to. One of my favorites though is the girl who gets dressed in her car. You ever seen this? I don't fully understand it, mostly because it usually happens in store parking lots. Do they not realize stores have bathrooms? Not only does changing in a bathroom reduce the risk of folks seeing your pale ass, but it's just easier. Have you ever tried to change your clothes in a car? Well, I have in a pinch and I gotta say, putting pants on while sitting in a confined space is tricky shit. If there's a bathroom within walking distance, I really recommend using it. I must say though, I have a hard time not messing with the chicks I see doing this. I mean, they always look around to make sure no one is walking by but they seem to forget to check if anyone is in the car parked next to them. One of these days I'm gonna cave in, roll my window and yell "Hey you, nice rack!" just to see how she reacts. I bet you $10 she never changes in her car again. I do prefer to watch women over men though, and no I don't have a thing for chicks. I've just come to realize watching guys can totally creep you out. We all know men are perverted but that's from seeing the shit they do when they know we're watching. They do much worse things when they think no one's paying attention. Like the guy who's practically running into walls because he's too busy looking at a girls ass to watch where he's going. Or worse, the creepy bastard who carefully slides his iPhone between the legs of girls wearing skirts and snaps pics of their cookies. I mean really dude? Stop being a sexual predator and go download some porn like everyone else. But, I guess the moral of this story is: Be careful what you do in public, because there's always some bored and easily amused person such as myself noticing the crap going on around them. 

TV makes me sad.

I swear I can't watch TV for more than 10 minutes these days without getting annoyed. For instance, why does the volume on commercials always have to be twice as loud as the show itself? As soon as the commercial break starts I have to dive for the remote or risk loosing my hearing. And I'm clumsy as shit, so that dive usually results in an injury of some sort. I guess I could probably deal with it if they were at least relevant but their not, not even close. There's a Sonic commercial on like every 3 minutes, and I don't know about you but I've never even seen a Sonic. I'm starting to think they're just a myth, like unicorns and videos of Dane Cook being funny. If they do exist there sure as hell isn't one nearby, they temp us with their delicious pizza and salad only to find out they're conveniently located just 300 miles away from us. It's just uncool. The worst thing about TV is probably the reality show epidemic though. That crap has gotten way out of hand, you can find a reality show about literally everything these days. People who talk to dogs, ridiculous rich women who drink too much wine, trashy Italians who can be outsmarted by my 3 year old, and my personal favorite, D list celebrities with drug problems. I just don't get it, but kudos to television networks for finding a way to make TV even more mindless. We wouldn't want people to learn anything, if you made 'em too smart they might realize there's better thing to do than sit on their fat asses watching TV.

My Facebook friends suck.

Soooo I'm not gonna lie, I'm a computer junkie. But hell, it's better than being a regular junkie right? Now, my addiction obviously causes me to see all sorts of things on the internet, and man don't most of those things piss me off. Especially the crap you see on Facebook. For instance if I see one more girl throw up her fingers and make that stupid duck face I'm gonna lose it. If you're one of those girls, please, I beg you to stop it. I mean you're actually kinda pretty but when you make that face you look like you belong in an Aflac commercial. Don't feel bad though girls, men have their own special photo that annoys me as well. The car profile picture. This photo is reserved for that special kind of jackass who knows he's so unappealing that the only way he's gonna interest a girl is to show off his car. When I encounter this guy I only have one thing to say "Whoa dude, I didn't realize you were a Transformer!" That always makes them angry. But, my favorite thing about these guys is that their cars are never actually impressive. It's always an old rusted out Trans Am with a different colored door and an oil leak. There's also that guy who takes it a step further, you know the guy I mean. I'm talking about the guy who takes his picture with his car, he's always sitting on the hood with his arms crossed and that 'damn I'm cool' look on his face. Let me just tell you now buddy, that pose wasn't cool 10 years ago when you did for your senior picture and it's not cool now so please just stand there and smile for your picture like everyone else. Now what...Reposters, I can't believe I almost forgot about reposters they're quite possibly the worst. "If you're against cancer and have lost someone you love then please put this on your status for 1 hour." Really? Are there actually people out there who are FOR cancer? I kinda figured my dislike for cancer was implied based on the fact I'm not Satan. We also have those people who are convinced that Facebook is going to start charging us, "Go to account settings, and click blah, blah, blah until Mark Zuckerberg pops up on your screen and agrees not to financially rape you." I'm sorry but have you people never read your login screen? Facebook's whole motto is 'free and always will be,' aside from that, you don't find it strange that every 6 months or so "Facebook is going to start charging us" yet it never happens. No of course you didn't, you're so freaked out you might have to pay that you don't even stop to think for a second. Lastly, I dislike over-sharers, we all know these people, some of you are these people. I know Facebook is all about sharing things with the folks in your life, however that doesn't mean you're obligated to share everything. We don't need to know that the burrito you had for lunch went right through you, or that your ex gave you herpes. Sometime less is in fact more. So please everyone, think before you post.   ...Oh, and one more thing, stop posting stuff about your cat. No one cares about your cat. Hell, I don't even care about my cat, why would I care about yours?

Scary movies.

Ok, so don't get me wrong I love a good scary movie as much the next guy. However, I don't understand them sometimes. It seems like when given two options the chicks in scary movies will always make the poor one. Like when they're running away from the killer and the door won't open so they run upstairs. Now, I'm no genius but what the hell are you going to do upstairs? I'm pretty sure there was a perfectly good window you coulda jumped through, but now your stupid ass is upstairs. What ya gonna do now? Hide under the bed? We all know how that one ends. You could always jump out the window (I bet you wish you'd done that from the first floor now.) Too late now, at this point you'll have to resort to sexual favors to stay alive, have fun with that. My personal favorite though is when the killer is on the loose, the chick is home alone, the lights go out and she hears a loud noise. Bitch is scared, but instead of getting the eff out of the house she makes an amazing decision.. "Hello, is someone there?" Seriously? What did you expect to accomplish with this? Did you think he was just gonna be like "Hey, I'm in the kitchen. Want me to make you a sandwich?" Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't think I'm asking for much with scary movies, I just want them to be a little less predictable. Let the girl who flashes her boobs come out on top for once, she doesn't always have to get stabbed to death. I say we bring back the element of surprise. Change things up a bit, worst that happens is we end up with yet another bad horror movie.

Special people...

I've always had what I consider to be a high tolerance for classless people, lately though I find myself challenged. Is it just me or are people getting less intelligent? Don't agree?.. go to 'Family Dollar', doesn't matter which one, any of 'em will do. Yeah, I know what you're thinking "oh, those places aren't that bad." You my friend are wrong, when was the last time you really paid attention to the special folk sharing the store with you? $10 says you'll agree with me if you give them a few minutes of attention. Stand in the same spot for 3 minutes just watching, go on, I dare you. If you're actually brave enough to do this you will have noticed the lady in the back aisle smelling the cleaning products, the attentive father letting his son lick the floor next to him, the chick on the phone with her 'home-girl' talking about what an ass Jonny is and how she had to go to the free clinic. Then there's the staff...should we even get into the staff? Of course we should, first of all they're never there. You always have to ring that little bell, until they slump over, rolling their eyes, couldn't you tell they had shit to do? Now, these people never look good, the last guy who waited on me there had half his head shaved, wore more makeup than me, and proceeded to ask if he could borrow my jacket... My purple, suede jacket... They look so bad in fact I'm convinced it's part of their job description, "Are you willing to work weekends? Are you willing to gain 20 pounds and stop showering?" But, I suppose that's what I get for shopping at a discount store in the sticks. At the same time though, I'm from this town and have managed to master simple tasks like basic hygiene. Hell, I've even accomplished multiplication and pronouncing words with more than 2 syllables. So, with that being said Mainers, quit having sex with your relatives. You're making us devolve.